


Arms to Hold You (I'll catch you)

by SweetSacrifice



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuRoku - Freeform, Axel/Roxas - Freeform, I don't even know what I'm doing with my tags anymore, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm not suicidal, If you're depressed/suicidal DON'T READ AS THIS MAY TRIGGER, M/M, Rated M For Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, Rated M for M/M SMUT, Rated M for language, Slight OOC, Suicidal Roxas, Thoughts of Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:47:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4392437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetSacrifice/pseuds/SweetSacrifice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxas is suicidal and is unsure if it's by choice anymore. Axel wants to keep him safe, and the re-occurring nightmares of that boy, the one who started it all, make that hard on both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Night

Up on the roof top, the breeze rocked me with uncertainty. The clock tower was always my go to when I needed to think. About what? Life of course. Just the typical 'is life really worth living for a worthless nobody?' question. Oh yeah, I've been suicidal for a long time. My name is Roxas. I was thrust into being from darkness. The last, or should I say, the only thing, I remember is a boy who looks just like me, who seemed to end it all when he stabbed himself, the sadistic fuck smiling the whole time. There are no memories of before, or beyond that. That memory is what makes me believe I'm not supposed to be here. He wanted to disappear, and I do too. All I have is my name, the keyblade, and ranking in an organization of those who cannot feel. They say I can't feel either, but they're wrong. Since the day I was 'born' all I've felt is the dull ache in my chest where _he_ killed himself. I've always wondered if maybe I was his reincarnation. If I am, then maybe that explains why I'm like this. Maybe he's trying to take it all back. Maybe he thinks ending my life will bring him back, like he's dreaming a bad dream, or maybe I just made him up and the dull ache is where I keep all the dark secrets that eat me alive every night, that force me back here.

I stare up into the empty night sky, the stars gleaming brilliantly all those millions of miles away. They say that those stars are other worlds, and the light we see is the hearts of the children that inhabit those worlds. Light? How can there be so much of it when there's so much more darkness. I sit on the ledge gazing at the tiny worlds above for a while longer before looking to the tiny world below me once more. I give a great sigh wishing I could grow wings and fly. Perhaps then I could just leave everyone, and hell, maybe I'd even learn what it's like to live and want to live. Maybe then I could smile again? Has there even been a time where I've smiled? It's been far too long to tell. Staring out at the dimly lit city triggered my vertigo, rocking me gently after the breeze had since long stopped. I felt ill. Torn almost, between living the empty life I was now, or letting go of it all knowing that there would only be more pain, even if it was not my own.

Hours, or maybe minutes, passed as I was still staring out at the emptiness below when I heard the familiar rush of darkness and the cool breeze it created as a portal tore open behind me. _He's here._ He always comes here. He comes after me every time I end up here. He wants to be my hero, and most nights, I let him be just that, for if it weren't for him, there's no telling where I'd be today. First came the footsteps, then the hand on my shoulder, urging me away from the ledge, firm, yet comforting and warm. I could only look to the spiky-haired red head and stare into his emerald eyes. He looks as if he's been crying, or maybe that was just his tattoos playing tricks on me again. He sits down beside me and draws me close. I breath in his familiar scent for several minutes before attempting to speak.

"A-Axel, I..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so cliff hanger on the first chapter?! I know, I'm sorry, but this is the place that seemed most fitting to end this chapter. This is my first fic and my first AkuRoku fic, so please be kind. Comments and constructive critiques are welcome! Thank you for reading! I rated this mature for suicidal thoughts and language and finally, I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters or settings.


	2. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staring into his smoldering eyes was like watching fire, and everyone knows it's never a good idea to play with fire, but maybe I want to feel the burn.

All I could do was stare. Words failed me as tears threatened to well up as my eyes began to sting. "A-Axel, I ... I'm sorry. I-I," words failed me as I looked into the pooling emerald eyes, the obvious concern showing on his furrowed brow. He worried about me, and it wasn't fair for either of us. I couldn't push these thoughts from my mind, but every time I saw him like this I only wanted to make him feel better. If anything, making him feel better chased off my own feelings of worthlessness. He always made me feel safe, even when I'd been a danger to myself only moments ago. Finally I work up the courage to speak again. "Axel, I'm sorry." It was all I could manage, even though the words were hollow. It wasn't a lie though. I _am _sorry for feeling like this, for hurting him. I just want it to go away, to feel normal. To relieve the feeling of knowing that I'm not complete.__

These thoughts started to eat at me again when suddenly, something soft brushed against my face. It was it his hand. He was so warm. His touch washed away all thought as he brought his face level to mine. That's when I felt it. My face was wet. I'd been crying, so consumed by my racing thoughts that I'd not even processed that he was wiping away my tears until I'd felt his hand rest on my cheek. I felt my eyes sting more as I was overcome by another wave of emotion. He'd always seen me at my worst and stuck by my side anyway. He never judged or complained as he held me while I fell apart, trying to keep me together, trying to build me back up. I leaned into him, breathing in his familiar scent. He was smokey, dangerous, like fire, but I didn't care that I could get burned. It was the only thing that kept me warm on nights like these.

"Roxas?" I finally heard him ask behind a strained, tired, cracked voice. "You don't have to apologize. We'll get you through this together. Somehow, it will be ok. I know it will," he said drawing me close. I felt so small in his arms, but so safe. He smiled down at me, this time I could tell he'd been crying. I hated seeing him cry. He was so strong. Stronger than me. I made him weak. I brought him down. I was his downfall, and yet knowing that made me feel powerful, dangerous. I was the only one who could ever make him like that, and I loved it. I smiled up at him, as the fresh tears that had threatened to spill finally poured out. "Lets go home," I said my voice small. "I'm tired."

With that he picked me up and held me close as a new portal flared open, the shadowy whips licking at us, drawing us in. It put me back in touch with the darkness, but this time I didn't have to walk through it alone. No. This time, I was guided, guarded, and protected by the light. At least for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! Man I feel like my chapters are a bit short compared to a lot of other works from people on here. Anything anyone can recommend I can do to give my chapters some substance?


	3. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An island far far away, and a promise to return. Return from where? Return to who? Bodies pressed together in the dark, as something changed between two friends.

**"Take care of her."**

_Her? Her who?_ A boy with silver hair and aquamarine eyes fading too fast to remember, the promise of the other boy nearly forgotten. 

**"I promise I'll come back to you!"**

**"I know you will!"**

An island, a girl, and the brunet boy, parting, fragmenting flickers of light and dark, memories, dimming before anything could be recalled to the surface.

These things filled my head as I dreamt. I awoke with the memory of the boy stabbing himself, the thought of freedom ringing in my ears again. I was covered in sweat, my core aching dully. The covers of my bed thrown haphazardly across the moon-lit room, and in the corner, a pair of animalistic eyes watching me defensively. Axel looked ready to defend himself, poised to fight back. His eyes were full of terror and concern as they darted to every angle of my body, analyzing me. It wasn't the first time we'd found ourselves in this situation. There was a time where I once found myself waking on the field, keyblade in hand, Axel on the defense as I was quickly knocked backward from the force of his attack. Night terrors he called it. A series of dreams that consumed sanity as one quickly lost sleep. To make it worse, one could lose all sense of where they were and who they were with as their body forced sleep, resulting in sleep walking. Having just woken, my mind reeling, the first thoughts in my head were; _had we been on a mission? Did I fall down from exhaustion? Had I attacked him again?_

He let out a sigh of relief when he saw I was myself, his stance becoming less tense. "Roxas, are you ok? You were having a nightmare and screaming. I was afraid you were getting ready to battle me when you sat up like that," he chuckled sadly. Wait, had he fallen asleep with me? I could only stare ahead without much comprehension as to what was happening when he crept forward. His lanky body made him look as if he were on the prowl, even though he was only coming over to comfort me. I smiled up at him wearily my pulse pounding in my ears. "Sorry about that, I, I don't know what happened. We, we weren't out on the field this time were we?" I asked, my breath hitching as I waited for his answer. "Of course not, but, wait, you mean you don't remember anything from earlier?" he asked almost hurt. I looked at him slightly puzzled. Had there been more? "I remember being on the tower and asking if he could take us back home," I admitted sleepily, "I, didn't realize that there had been more, I'm sorry." I said sadly. I yawned, stretching, the dull ache persisting, muscles tense, as if I'd been been nearly ripped in half.

The expression of hurt that had fallen on his features faded into sadness. "It's just that," he looked away unable to meet my eyes, his cheeks lightly pink. "It's, not important," he sad a kind smile settling upon his face as he ruffled my hair. "Axel, please?" I said whining. He was treating me like a kid again, keeping me in the dark from myself, which he knew I hated. "I need to know what I said, or did, especially if it involves you. You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose that." His smile faded as his face contorted into an unrecognizable expression. I heard him give a small sigh before he leaned in close, his breath hot upon my neck, his voice rumbling softly in my ear as he said "If I tell you, you won't believe me. If I show you, there's no going back. Are you sure you're up for that?"

A small shiver ran down my back as goosebumps formed upon my flesh and a wave of pleasure rolled around in my stomach. My heart skipped a beat as the source of the ache made it's presence known from somewhere above my thighs. Oh god what did we do? I could hear myself breathing shakily as I tried to steel my nerves for my answer. I'm sure I had my answer judging by what I was feeling right now, but I had to confirm it, knowing that my answer would change both of our lives forever. "Yes," I finally whispered back, and with that he sealed our empty existence as nobodies, with a strong, tender kiss upon my lips.

I moaned softly, as the pleasure rolling around began to make it's presence known, my breath hitching, my back arching slightly as my pants got tighter. "Mmm, Axel," the redhead smirked as he pulled away looking down at my hardening erection. He gave a small chuckle lowering the cloth, freeing my member before quickly pulling out his own, which was formidably larger. We exchanged a few more kisses as he worked his way down my neck, stopping on one spot in particular, when he began sucking. The sensation sent more waves of pleasure down me as he left his mark on the sensitive flesh, drawing a loud moan from my throat. "You like that?" he teased, slipping a hand up my shirt to my nipple where he began caressing it with his thumb. Gently at first, then slowly pinching it as he returned to my neck, eliciting more sounds of pleasure.

My cock was fully erect now, pre-cum spilling from the tip. He parted my lips with his fingers, inserting two as I began sucking. When he deemed them wet enough he pulled them out, slipping one inside my tender ass. A small gasp interrupted his explorations, our breathing ragged. He looked to me to see if I was ok, and all I could do was nod. He added his second finger, another moan, louder this time escaping my lips when he found my prostate sending new waves of pleasure, more fervent than before exploding inside my body. I was panting now. "A-Axel, I'm g-going to-" he cut me off his hand from above quickly grabbing just below the head and pinching tightly, preventing release. A small scream escaped my lips as he continued pumping his fingers in and out. "A-Axel, p-please!" I breathed out, my cheeks flushed, my cock begging for release, as my face twisted in ecstasy. Finally he quit pumping with his fingers and slid in his own hardened member, my legs curling, drawing in his hips, grinding them into me as he thrust himself in and out. More waves of pleasure as he began picking up the pace, finally releasing my cock as the warm white fluid covered us both. A few more thrusts and I could feel him spill inside of me as he groaned with pleasure, drawing himself out. "R-Roxas" he hissed, calling the name of whom had brought him this pleasure.

Our bodies were hot as we lay upon the bed, our hearts racing, our breathing ragged, but slowing. I could only stare, stunned by what we'd just done. It was incredible, it was life changing, it was, over. My breathing returned to normal as I stared over at him, a smile spread across his lips, his eyes closed. He looked beautiful in the afterglow of our deeds. In fact, I was pretty sure he was asleep. I got up and retrieved the blankets from across the room and tucked him in. I went over to the window, staring at the heart shaped moon. We may not have hearts of our own, but, that didn't seem to stop love from finding it's way to us. I sauntered back to the bed and curled up with Axel, a smile finding it's way to my face, despite the overwhelming sadness of our passion being over for the night, because I knew there was always tomorrow. With that, I fell into a dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy AkuRoku Day everyone! I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter a much as I enjoyed writing it! The best part? I managed to make this chapter much longer than the first two! I'm sorry if the ending of this chapter seems cheesy, but I have to have a little good happen to Roxas on an important date such as this! Thank you for your kudos and continued support!


	4. Searching for my Heart

I woke with a start, my head pounding, a pitiful whimper escaping my lips as pain wracked my body. I hugged the sheets close as I slowly sat up. _'Oh damn it I over did it last night_ ' I thought to myself brushing my matted hair from my face and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "Good morning sunshine," the gravely voice came. Axel was right beside me staring up at the ceiling. Oh god how long had he been awake? I could only sit and stare at him, mouth agape as he reached over and ruffled my hair, placing a gentle kiss upon my forehead. "Guess we should get ready to go, huh?" he asked sheepishly, crawling out from under the covers. I stared at him, taking in each of his features as he stalked off to the bathroom, my face flushing lightly. Oh god what had I gotten myself into? I never wanted a relationship, I knew it was impossible to feel love, but with him, there was something there, something that made me feel complete. _'Oh fuck, am I gay?'_ I thought shivering slightly now without him next to me. I drew the sheets in closer as tears threatened my eyes. I was so confused. I didn't know what I was doing with myself anymore. I've been spiraling from the day I was born. No memories, not any complete ones anyway, a wish to have never existed, and now I've been sleeping with my only friend. I was a wreck. I started feeling the pressure of my mentality slipping then as a small, continuous chuckle rose from the depths of my psyche. How did he ever put up with me? Did he think he could save me? Was there ever anything to save? He returned then fully dressed, his hair slicked back and that wicked grin upon his face. That's when I lost it. The tears came flowing free, my laughter increasing into hysterics, and his smile fell immediately.

"Roxas? What's wrong? Roxas, speak to me!" he said gently as he sat beside me, gently massaging my back. "What are we?" I asked shaking violently. I was so afraid then. I was afraid of his answer. What was I going to do if he accepted me? He'd never reject me, but, why would I even _want_ him to accept me? Somewhere inside though I was searching for something, but I wasn't sure what. A hero? A friend? A savior? He was none of those, but maybe, part of me wanted him to be. "Roxas?" he asked ripping me from my thoughts as usual, "To answer your question, I, well, I honestly don't know. I thought, maybe we were lovers, but we don't know what love is, at least, not at a glance. We only live off the memory of emotions after all. I guess, first and foremost, we're friends. We always will be, or at least I hope to be. If we're anything more, then, I want you to make that decision," he said with a small, reassuring smile. He hugged me close as I took in his scent. So comforting, much more than I'd care to admit. When I'd returned to a state that was better than my usual mental anguish I sighed. I smiled a little and looked up at him, drawing him in close. "Thank you," I whispered, stretching up and brushing my lips against his in a gentle kiss, before getting up to get ready myself. I knew then what I'd been searching for. I was looking for my heart.

Our leader, Xemnas, had promised us all one, but now our numbers were cut drastically. I'd been left out of the loop of course, and Axel had been sent away. He came back eventually, but seemed a little changed, and would never talk about the details with me. The only thing I'd learned was that those who'd gone away on this mission did not return, nor would they ever. Maybe, it was time for me to take a trip to this place. Maybe I could find some answers there, or maybe even a clue to my past? I'd have to ask Axel eventually, but for today I'd need to complete my mission as usual. It was a tough subject for him, and it was one thing for me to have an episode, the last thing I'd want to do is hurt him, as ironic as it sounds coming from someone so ready to disappear just to stop the haunting feeling of not being needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I've found a bit of inspiration. Yay. So much so that I actually wrote two chapters in one night. How freaking great is that? Comments/Kudos still appreciated and I thank you for reading! ^^ (as per usual, I still don't own Kingdom Hearts or it's characters, but I do own this work .3.)


	5. Into Oblivion

We returned late that night after our daily 'clock tower sea salt ice cream' ritual, and found ourselves sharing a bed again. I'd stood outside his room, heart pounding. I was so nervous. I was afraid he'd say no, but I had to try. "Axel," I knocked, my voice a bit shaky. "Yeah, come in," he said a bit nonchalantly but quirked an eyebrow when he saw how fidgety I'd become. "Rox, you ok buddy?" he asked ready to dote on me. I shook off my doubts as I looked at him, screwing up the most determined face I could muster. "Axel, I want to go to Castle Oblivion," I nearly screamed as I spilled to him. "I-I know there are answers there, a-and I want to know where I come from!" I half fibbed. I didn't know if there were really any answers there, but I sure as hell wanted to know where I came from. It was agonizing not knowing a thing about myself other than I could use a blade seemingly summoned from the light that I could only use to fight monsters. I couldn't even turn the blade on myself, unlike the boy who haunted my dreams. Axel's brow furrowed upon hearing that, turning away from me, not bothering to meet my gaze any longer. "Roxas, I can't do that. There's nothing there." A blatant lie. Axel had lied to me, and it stung. I thought he'd tell me no, but I never expected him to lie to me like that, but I just stared at him. "Alright, that's, ok I guess," I said pouting which quickly ensued with him finding various ways of cheering me up. We ended up in a tickle fight that left me breathless by the time we laid down. He fell asleep quickly, leaving me alone to my thoughts. If he wouldn't tell me about it, I knew someone who would, without sugar coating shit.

The next morning I feigned sleep as I let him leave ahead of me. Once he was gone I got up and quickly got ready. Heading down the castle corridors, I found myself in front of Xigbar's room. I gave a small knock and was met with a "Yeah, yeah, come in!" When I entered he looked a bit surprised. He'd taken apart his various guns from his collection and had begun cleaning them. "Well, well, well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes? What seems to be your issue?" he asked pointing to various things, cleaners, rags, screwdrivers. Seems if I was going to get answers, I was going to have to work for them. We worked in silence for a while, as the various parts were polished and reassembled to the different guns, and as we neared the end I spoke up, figuring it was at least worth a shot. "I want to know about Castle Oblivion. What's in there that Axel won't tell me about?" I asked. I didn't mind being blunt at this point if it meant even the smallest chance of getting answers. Instead I was met with a resounding series of clicks and an arrow gun in my face. "Well, well. You're the last one I'd expect to be nosing around here for answers," he said, a wicked grin on his face. He lowered the arrow gun and let out a small chuckle. He'd done that just to see me ready to piss myself, the sick bastard. "Sadly," he said disabling his arrow gun, "I don't know anything. That was need to know basis, and I wasn't part of the team there..." he trailed off. Together we'd finished cleaning his guns in a rather quick enough pace. "Sorry kiddo," he said ruffling my hair as he left, arrow guns slung over his shoulders. Of course he didn't know anything, I should have known better, still. I grabbed one of his smaller handguns that I'd cleaned, a revolver, and stuffed it in my robes. I was going to get answers, one way or another.

I exited and went on my mission as usual, making sure to wrap things up early so I could meet Axel on the clock tower. I fumbled with the revolver in my robe. I'd grabbed it and not even bothered to check and see if I'd loaded it after cleaning. At the very least it would make for an excellent intimidation factor, I thought to myself as I heard the familiar clack of boots on the roof. Axel rounded the corner, our ice cream in hand. I made sure to snuggle into him as we ate. I felt wrong lying to him like this, but, he had lied to me, so it was only fair. As soon as he'd finished, I spoke, my voice steely. "Axel, take me to Castle Oblivion." I pulled out the revolver and shoved it into his ribs. "R-Roxas? What are you doing? You-you're not serious are you?" he chortled nervously, his emerald eyes gazing into mine, his brow knitted in concern, obviously caught off guard. "No. Take me there now, or I'll..." I fell short. I wasn't going to shoot him. I couldn't do that. Ever. I was unsure of what to do. I couldn't very well leave an empty threat hanging in the air like that, before a wicked smirk crossed my lips as the gun left his side and found it's way to mine. The metal was cool against my temple as I smiled at him sweetly. "Axel, take me to Castle Oblivion, or I swear I'll do it," I could only breath as I watched him stare at me in horror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahah, sorry not sorry. I am an evil little bitch sometimes, and this is one of those times. BUT HEY, TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE NIGHT, YAY. Comments/Kudos appreciated!


	6. Looming Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for that last chapter, I had to give my inner sadist some exercise...not that this chapter will be all that better... >3>;

"R-roxas, y-you can't be serious?" his voice was shaking. I was in control of this situation now, drunk on the power I had over him like this, and I loved it. I cocked back the hammer, my mind racing. Could I really do this? Why was I doing this to him? It only caused him pain, and I didn't want to hurt him, but I needed answers. "Axel, I think I love you, but I can't know for certain if all I am is empty. I can't say that what this is, what we have, I just, I need to know," I said my smile now long faded, any trace of emotion, real or not, faded from my face. "I want it to be real," I whispered. Oh god I was loosing it. I was coming down from my power trip and I felt like shit. I was truly an awful being. If I weren't seeking answers I would have pulled the trigger then and there just so I could stop scaring him, stop hurting him. I didn't deserve him as a friend, let alone a lover. He was too good to me and all I did was cause him distress. "Please Axel, I just don't know what to do anymore," I spoke, my voice cracking. _'Don't cry dammit!'_ I thought desperately. _'It's true, you're weak, but that doesn't mean you have to show it to him all the time!'_ a voice inside me spoke. _'Get stronger! Show him that you can push through this! You are better than this!'_ I wasn't sure where this voice was coming from, or whose it was, but it was familiar to me somehow.

Axel reached up for me slowly, panic stricken still. I had never gone this far, never sank to this kind of low. "Rox, p-please put the gun down? I-I can't show you anything, if you're-" he choked on the last words, unable to bring himself to think the worst, let alone repeat it. "I-I'll take you, just please stay with me? Don't, don't you dare do anything stupid!" he pleaded. I could only stare blankly as he moved forward. He grabbed my arm, moving at a pace as to not provoke me. I didn't move. I just let him touch me. I trusted him to never hurt me, and I finally knew, that I wanted him to be that hero. We were born from the same darkness, cast out by the light, but somehow, he overcame that darkness. It had to do with the memories, I was sure of it, and maybe, just maybe if I had mine, I could overcome my darkness too. We could be together, if only he hadn't made me go this far. If only I hadn't let myself sink this low. It was all for him though, because something inside me burned hot and strong, much like his fires. I was burning for him, and I hoped he could see it.

He was able to slip the gun out of my hand and throw it aside, and the moment that he did, I collapsed in his arms. "Why?" I breathed, soaking into him, trying hard to make myself a part of him as he held me. "Why are you always stopping me? I'm not good for you. All I do is hurt you, over and over..." I trailed off not bothering to even look at him anymore. I was sick of everything, and I just wanted to go back, to make everything ok. To make myself right, so that our relationship wouldn't be wrong. I hated being so broken in front of him, especially when I loved him so deeply that I'd save him over myself any day. I clung to him desperately. I didn't want to ever leave him, he was my best friend, and I was his. I was the fuel that kept his flames burning strong, and his fire was what would light my path in the overwhelming darkness. I wanted to tell him these things, so much, but I just didn't know how. I was afraid, and so was he, but we had each other. Maybe, that was enough? He spoke, drawing me in as close as he could and spoke. "The reason why, is because every time you're scared, I want to be the arms to hold you. Every time you fall, I want to be the one to catch you. We're a lot alike, and I don't ever want to let that go. I want to fix you." His voice was cracking, and as I glanced up at him, I saw tears streaming down his cheeks, that landed upon his broad shoulders, keeping my dry so I wouldn't know. "I always get stuck with the icky jobs, but, did you ever once think that I'm the one who's selfish? Maybe I'm the one who's no good for you, because all I do is hold you back," he hissed, drawing me up bridal style, burying his face in my chest as he cried. "Have you, ever blamed me, for any of it?" he asked, his muffled voice rattling my chest as he sobbed.

I paused as his words echoed through my mind, sending jolts of energy that made me tense in his arms. Was he blaming himself? Did he want me to blame him? What was there to blame him for? Was there more he wasn't telling me? "Axel..." I wanted to wipe away his tears, to tell him it was ok, that I was ok, but something primal was urging me to not trust him, to get away from him. But why? It felt like looming shadows were closing in on me, on us. I just wish I could tell where they were coming from. That's when the burning sensation started. It was only a small pressure at first, that blossomed forward, radiating from around my neck. It was his hand, closing off my windpipe, his face expressionless as he looked down at me, with an intense focus. I looked up at him, gagging as he he worked so methodically. Why? Why was he hurting me? I thought, he wanted to help me? I didn't have time to react as dark spots began clawing at my vision, my eyes and heart fluttering as I lost consciousness. The last thing I could feel was him brushing the hair back from my face as he cradled me, the wind cool on my face as oxygen began to fill my lungs again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told y'all this wouldn't be much better. I let my inner sadist out for exercise, and I'm pretty sure it escaped somewhere into these past three chapters? Don't you worry though, I believe I've got a solid end to this fic in sight, but it won't be for a while. .3.
> 
> I would also like to thank you all for the nearly 100 hits! I never even imagined that my first fic would get past 50 with how dark it is. Comments and Kudos are appreciated! Also, feel free to send asks to my tumblr- http://wordsebbandflow.tumblr.com/ask


	7. Answers

**"I knew I'd find you snoozing down here!"  
"Give me a break Kai-"**

A loud gasp erupted from my lips quickly followed by sputtering coughs, as I choked on the oxygen, my head pounding as I did so. There was some slight bruising on my neck, as the last thing I remembered came rushing back. Axel had been choking me, until I passed out. Where was I anyway? I sat up and looked around, finding myself in an unfamiliar white room, decorated with flowers and a large door with golden trim. "It's about time you woke up," Axel's voice drawled lazily. I looked over at the red-head and glared, as thoughts of betrayal, shock, disbelief, and terror passed through my mind. Emotions perhaps? It was hard to tell. "Axel, what the FUCK was that for?" I squeaked out, my voice still hazy with sleep and discomfort. "You tell me!" he barked holding up the revolver I'd stolen from Xigbar. "None of your damn business," I said looking away. "It IS my business when you're shoving it in my ribs then holding it to your fucking head Roxas!" He blurted out, disbelief oozing out thicker than any sarcasm he'd used before. 

"Roxas, what-what's happening to us, to you? You're not the same as before. You don't, you don't laugh anymore, you don't smile, and I want to know why. Why can't we go back to that? What happened to the cheerful, happy nobody that was my friend? Why is Sora so important to you?" I blinked a few times as though I'd been slapped. Axel realized what he'd said, quickly trying to hide it. "Axel," I said my voice low and dangerous. I didn't need a gun for answers, that's what I had the keyblade for. "Who is Sora?" I growled. He was hiding something. He was always hiding things from me. I needed answers, and Axel was going to give them to me. I finally knew why I had the keyblade- to get the answers I deserved. I leapt to my feet summoning them at my side. "Who is Sora?" I repeated ready to beat the answers out of him, when his demeanor changed. Was- was he, crying?

"Roxas, I don't know who he is to you. I mean, maybe a few ideas, but nothing I can prove. Why is he so important to you? I thought..." he paused no longer able to control his thoughts as they came spilling forward along with the tears. "I thought I was the only one who was important to you. I though you were mine! I thought, that no matter what, I'd be able to protect you, to keep you safe, but now, now it seems that all I ever do is pull you down, upset you. I thought bringing you here to Castle Oblivion would help, but all it seems to have done is make you worse. What kind of friend does that? How low have I sunk? How low have you sunk? We're sinking, and, I just want us to be fine again. I'm tired of all this. I just want my friend back," he said, his voice becoming no louder than a whisper.

I paused, the keyblade slipping from my grip, and vanishing in a burst of light as it hit the floor. I'd made him cry again. I was always doing that. I fell to my knees, watching him cry, feeling pathetic as I'd realized I'd been crying too. "I, I don't know either. I just, I just wanted answers. You've been hiding things from me, and I thought, maybe I could get you to tell me, but now I see, I was wrong Axel. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of being left in the dark. I'm just tired period," I said clambering over to him, tugging his coat as I pulled him down to lay in his lap. "I never wanted this, I want to be with you. I just, I feel so wrong here. I know I'm safe here, in your arms, and every time I fall, you've always been here to catch me, but-" I paused as I felt my heart sink, knowing the truth to follow, "-this just can't last. I need to find this Sora person." I felt his arms tighten around me as he sobbed. We stayed like that forever, crying into each other until we could cry no more. Finally, I sat up, a faint smile tracing my lips as I tentatively entwined my fingers through his hair, slowly tugging his face close, and brushing our lips together. He smiled too as he closed the space between us, the kiss deepening as a light blush played upon our cheeks amid our tear swollen eyes. "There he is, there's my Roxas," I heard him whisper in between the kisses that melted me into him, and for once in a long time, I felt peace caress me as his body heat enveloped me like a warm blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I know this has been dark, and I thank you for bearing with me. I thought I'd end this chapter on a slightly lighter note to remind people that it's ok to cry, and that depression doesn't always present it's self as darkly or anywhere near as plainly as I have it portrayed here. Depression is serious, and if anyone reading suffers from depression, I beg you to please seek help even if it's hard to admit to someone like your parents/significant other. You matter, your health matters, and your feelings especially matter. Don't put yourself second. It's ok to be (as some would unfortunately put it) 'selfish' and take time for you.


	8. Stars

A few hours had passed as we cuddled in the empty white halls. Something about them was familiar, but the more I tried to call a memory to the surface, the more the white sent pain through my head. It was too bright here. Too much remembering but not enough memories to piece together my existence. I'd broken down so many times and always relied on Axel to get me through it, but when he broke in front of me, I realized how truly toxic our relationship was. I never wanted that. I only want him, to be with him, forever. Nothing lasts forever. We were being naive. I could see he wanted out, even just sitting in silence in this broken place. Amidst my reeling thoughts I finally spoke. "Hey Axel, if we don't, you know, have hearts, how come we were able to cry? Is that memory, or are we still connected somehow?" His face twisted in contemplation as he chose his words carefully.

"You know Roxas, I was wondering the same thing myself. I don't know what we are, or why we exist. We sit between light and dark, but have no real purpose. Xemnas says our purpose lies in Kingdom Hearts, but, I'm not so sure. The whole thing seems pretty damn icky to me, but it's either do as your told or be destroyed. I don't want to disappear because there's no telling if there's even anything to go back to. I mean, we all come from somewhere, and maybe, maybe your somewhere is calling you back. Maybe there's more to just this, but, I'm scared. What if, what if there really isn't anything else but darkness? What will I do then? After all, you are my light," he said ruffling my hair lightly.

"Wow Axel, that was pretty cheesy," I laughed as reached for his hand and held it. "I don't know what's out there either, but do you really think that just lying down and doing as your told will really make you happy? Do you really think Xemnas will hold true to his promise? Will he really give us hearts? I mean, sure everything is scary at first, especially darkness, but I can't be your only light. There's the lights from all those other worlds out there, and, there's the light in this castle. They can guide you through, can't they? If I really am being pulled somewhere else, will you help me get there? It isn't goodbye, it's more like, I'll see you again. Besides, if you can't go on an adventure, why bother traveling?" I closed my eyes and grinned, the flash of a silver haired boy and a red haired girl flashed through my mind accompanied by the sound of the waves, a little raft, and a big dream to see the world outside that island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. Got caught up in a lot of drama and a lot of fun, and now have a little time to myself. This is perhaps one of my shortest chapters since I started, but I feel this one ended on a good note. Critiques are welcome, and sorry for the angst/depression/suicidal thoughts/tendencies/attempts. THIS WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING...well bitter sweet as I throw it back into the actual game plot again...eventually. SOON OK? Thank you lovely readers for the kudos. I love you!


	9. Indefinite Hiatus

Ok so, as much as I love this work and the fans who've read it, I am currently without internet and writing from my phone is rather strenuous for multi chapter works, therefore, this fic is on hiatus until I can get my provider replaced! I am terribly sorry everyone, and thank you for reading! No I am not anywhere near done with writing, or the fandom, but do look for other stories by me (oneshots more than likely)! If you have anyquestions, you can find me on tumblr as Wordsebbandflow


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